


I Want Love.

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Slurs, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 08:45:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21296717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A few accounts of homophobia experienced by Sirius Black.Inspired by the Elton John Song 'I Want Love'.
Kudos: 27





	I Want Love.

**Author's Note:**

> i was working on another part for A Day In The Life buuuut i couldn't go without posting a something for sirius's birthday. 
> 
> it was going to be a lil oneshot of remus + sirius with baby harry but i want to save that for a christmas oneshot so take this pile of angst instead.

It was always there.

  
  


Even at Hogwarts it had happened. The place where he felt the safest.

  
  


The strangest thing was that it happened even before he had implied he was in any way interested in men. For all James knew, Sirius may have not even have realised he was in any way interested in men.

  
  


Yet it would happen.

  
  


The pub was close to empty. The moon’s cycle was close to beginning so the remaining three had all pulled themselves together to try and make Remus forget the inevitable for at least a few hours.

  
  


All four of them had crowded round on a too-small table, sitting so close that their knees were touching, all the while swigging out of butterbeers and chatting amongst themselves. 

  
  


James had noticed a grown man watching them from the corner of his eye, his gaze finding Sirius and lingering. He hadn’t thought anything more of it. As long as the man wasn’t picking up on how peaky Remus looked or how unusually pale and drawn his features were, all coincidentally before a full moon, then it should be harmless enough.

  
  


“You’re all very cosy.” The man called, slowly drifting closer to their table. The conversation came to a halt. “I mean, there’s obviously going to be rumours, but I never would have thought the rest of you would have been so comfortable with fuelling the questions about him.” 

  
  


He had made a clear nod at Sirius at ‘him’. They all stared back in confusion.

  
  


“What’s your implication?” Remus spoke up, his voice surprisingly smooth and intellectualised.

  
  


“Come off it. He could have been named queer an’ it would be less obvious.” The man stated, the choke of a laugh in the back of his throat. 

  
  


“There’s nothing like that with Sirius.” James finalised, his jaw involuntarily tightening. He felt a prickle of surprise at the amount of sudden white hot anger that had unexpectedly flooded through him, scalding his organs with rage.

  
  


“Yeah? He’s just a noticeable poof by card then.” The man nonchalantly shrugged. He turned to the counter and barked out another drink order. Finishing everything as quickly as he had started it.

  
  


They left shortly after that. Sirius stayed quiet, barely saying anything more than a good night for the rest of the evening.

  
  


* * *

  
  


A while afterwards they found themselves wandering up to the Gryffindor common room. Sirius had been growing his hair out by then and it had finally reached his shoulders, marking it as the first day he wore his hair loose.

  
  


James had his suspicions. Remus had his suspicions. Peter had his suspicions. But Sirius hadn’t mentioned it so they weren’t going to mention it. All they could do was hope he had the opportunity to do everything in his own time - if they were correct. But until then, they consented to trying out hexes on each other, silently praying that they will end the session with all of their limbs intact.

  
  


They were making their way up the staircase when a seventh year leered upwards, taking a stand in front of Sirius. He was taller than all of them - even Remus. It was clear who would win in the case of a fight

  
  


“Hello daaarling, where might you be heading?” The seventh year cooed, raising his pitch to be abnormally feminine and camp.

  
  


Sirius blinked, his cheeks flushing.

  
  


“We’re going to our common room.” Peter voiced, in an attempt for assertiveness. 

  
  


The seventh year girlishly giggled, flicking a hand through Sirius’s newly grown hair.

  
  


“Whatever you say, babes. Just make sure you sleep with your wand under your pillow, you never know when someone like that is going to try and crawl into your bed.”

  
  


Remus gripped Sirius’s arm, pushing himself between Sirius and the seventh year.

  
  


“Come on.” He growled, uncharacteristically fierce. He dragged Sirius up the stairs, muttering things into his ear as he did so, a stony look on his face. 

“Fuck all of you cock-lovers.” The seventh year hissed, shoving a hand to James and Peter’s ribs as they passed.

  
  


Sirius stood by a painting as he waited for them to catch up. James noticed that his legs were trembling slightly.

  
  


* * *

  
  


This time it was different. 

  
  


Sirius had came out and appeared to have relaxed into his identity. His friends knew, his classmates knew, even McGonagall had been informed during a detention starring a bored Sirius. Everyone but his family knew. But that didn’t matter to him.

  
  


It was the summer holidays and Sirius had persuaded an overly willing James to allow him to stay round the Potter’s for the six weeks.

  
  


They were walking out together one day when they came across a small group of people protesting outside of a building. Something going against gay people no longer being allowed to be fired from their jobs purely because they’re gay. 

  
  


James had tried to steer Sirius away before he saw it, attempting to spark interest in anything but  _ them,  _ yet it was in vain.

  
  


“You know what I really feel like, Potter?” Sirius began, shouting over the protesters. “I really feel like sucking a man off right this instant.” 

  
  


James grinned, his body relaxing at the cheeky look of ease on his friend’s face.

  
  


“I have to say I agree.” He called. “Beautifully fine day for some dick.” 

  
  


They were both laughing so hard their stomachs began to hurt.

  
  


If only it could have always been like that.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It was awful.

  
  


They didn’t know how or for how long but they knew.

  
  


It arrived at breakfast in the Great Hall. A tawny owl had dropped the red envelope in Sirius’s lap and within seconds it had exploded, screaming and sounding all too familiar. 

  
  


Walburga should never have had children. Does Sirius know how disappointing it is to have him as a son? He has always been a disgrace to the family and she knew it the minute she set eyes on him. He’s surely doing it to spite her. He cares more about that half-human  _ thing  _ he’s friends with than his own mother.

  
  


“Get me the fuck away from here.” Sirius muttered, his teeth gritted. 

  
  


The three of them immediately jumped to their feet, dragging a horrified Sirius as far away from everyone as possible.

  
  


They weren’t going anywhere in particular, just away. 

  
  


Sirius was shaking. He was struggling to breathe.

  
  


“Give him space.” Remus desperately whispered, fanning the other two backwards.

James watched in silence, his insides wrenching with a mixture of hopelessness, pity and fury. He hated only being able to wait for Sirius to calm himself down, he hated every member of Sirius’s family, he hated everyone who had been alienating him for the past years. It felt like hearing a man be executed for a crime he didn’t commit.

  
  


Sirius’s eyes were closed and he was following the breathing methods Remus was murmuring to him. They had always helped him calm down during a panic attack.

  
  


“I’m sorry.” Sirius said, cringing at himself. “I hate it when people see me like this. I know it’s stupid.” He continued, his speech quickening. 

  
  


“Don’t worry about it. It’s fine, we understand.” Peter replied. James nodded furiously, a tightness in his throat threatening to make him cry too.

  
  


“We still love you. Even though you are a bit of a fucking idiot at times.” Remus assured. 

  
  


Sirius let out a croaky laugh. 

  
  


“I guess they took the news better than I was expecting.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Sirius soon learnt how to ignore them. 

  
  


Sometimes he would laugh it off, sometimes he would pretend he didn’t hear anything at all. It was almost as if nothing ever affected him anymore.

  
  


But there was still a broken glint in his eyes after that howler.

  
  


The glint was always there. Right to the end.

**Author's Note:**

> this might have not been the best because i wrote it out in an hour or so but i hope that it was enjoyable enough. especially since i'm procrastinating my work that's due in tomorrow for this.


End file.
